Fogged Mind

Clear are the paths laid in front of me, yet fogged is my mind.

There shouldn’t be any resistance if I wanted to do it.

But should I?

A while ago I definitely thought of giving a shot at joining the Psychology Student Union. I am still not sure why, but I seem to think that I will enjoy whatever they do.

I love feeling involved, even if tasked with impossible objectives. But right now, there are a million imaginary resistances standing in the way.

Throughout the 10 years in school, I have never been really involved in anything much except my old Chinese Language Society. During the moment where I was given chances, I screwed up. Then, I grew to become more reserved and give ways to the newer but more competent ones. I became sidelined, became part of the supporting cast. Then, 3-4 years I didn’t get to be directly involved, but I always sought to be there as often as possible.

At the end of everything, I wasn’t sure it was worth it, but I still got some recognition. During the ending ceremony, I was given a gift (despite being without a position) and seen as equals with my other more successful peers. At the end of our time serving the family, I was finally acknowledged as one of them.

It wasn’t a great deal really, I reminisce that moment forever as the happiest in my life.

Now the opportunity to experience that again might have shown itself. it is psychology student council elections, and I can foresee a lot of my peers successfully getting the positions. Despite trying my best to not even consider it, I genuinely wanted to go for it.

But I don’t like campaigning. I have no confidence in winning the popularity votes. 

Despite some success with boosting my own ego (if not, I actually might have overinflated it in many aspects), I couldn’t kid myself that I may stand a chance against my more popular peers. To top all of that off, I had no one that would want to partner up, while most of my friends are more or less ready already.

I am very clear about what are the consequences of my own decisions. It is just that I don’t know what I really want and do I have a chance at getting it.

5 minutes ago, I received a message that I for some reason won the popularity vote and secured a position for myself. That I would be on the frontlines with an active and engaging bunch of partners. 

But I woke up from dozing off while typing this. It was a exhilarating dream that didn’t hint anything important, except that I have lied when I said that the council was’t part of my plans, to everyone and myself.

And now for atonement, I put my unmasked thoughts here.

The only path to no regrets, is to be sure that whatever happens I am still family . 

I don’t want to be alone again.  

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