As I inch closer to a well deserved break from the academic hustle and bustle, I send blank stares into the equally blank sky, trying my best to muster every bit of gratitude for those who have stood with me through the seemingly endless series of tempests and torments.
However, minus the couple of heroes (Khal in particular) that salvaged my lab report, there isn’t much I could be thankful for. At least so far and for the foreseeable future, all my fights had been, and will be, all my own.
“Rewards from all my intelligent decisions all mine alone to reap, disasters from the not-so intelligent ones all mine alone to burden. With no room to weep.”
Recently I have been very much in tune with my own locus of control, feeling all the factors that I could have changed, feeling all the switches that danced right out of my reach.
Could I have done much more for all the group work? Could I have done better with better teammates? Could I have empowered my own teammates? Could I have managed my deadlines better? Could I have taken initiatives to join other better groups even way earlier?
..and so on my lament continues.
And despite countless times of reminding myself that I can’t be all alone in this, I managed to be resentful about everyone’s differences in circumstances, with mine holding me back.
Maybe, I just somehow ran out of excuses to not give excuses.
This time there is no rain to wear me down, no haze to blind my footsteps, no haunting little voices of discouragement. Just my own heavy, haggard footsteps hurrying along a dimly lit path while stealing glances at the clock.
Maybe it is time to open my pocketful of well-meaning wishes soon. I always thought I should be saving these for more cheerful occasions that are worth celebrating, where I open them and see them off, like butterflies, like dervishes.