Grey Matters

Another little catharsis on studies and life so I save myself the therapist fees, for more coffee, in turn for more sleepless nights. 

Details seem to just slip by my mind and suddenly I am unable to commit to pretty much anything fully. I did not get the chance to read at my leisure, forget details about compulsory graded classes, under-prepared for basically every single quiz and exam, and neglecting assignments.

Somehow with less subjects, I am conscious that I am under-performing for everything I get my hands on. There are also moments where the whole world seems to need me to function, and moments where things fly by without me knowing what is happening. One day I asked to start early for literature review for research but end up finishing much later than other groups, and end up forgetting the abstract.  Another day I came to university for some meeting but did not attend a certain compulsory briefing (I was there, few levels below and somewhat free!). Yes, oddly enough there are times that I have absolutely no duty, those blank slots in my newfound busy schedule. But I can never seem to hold them.

Yet, those hands will never hold anything.  

Oh, and there are group assignments and group-mates. My endless bad luck with group mates. I shall stop before I let myself escalate this into a finger pointing fest, but many have wondered why I never chose them cautiously. One day I will have time to reflect on this, just like one day I will get time to write all the things I owe you all.

Bright side? I got a really good measure of how good my exam intuition is. I somehow manage to score great marks over little to no book flipping, but these instances are often too close to comfort. I really do not want to walk into my next test without going through 90% of the material.

If luck is preparation meet opportunity, I have already pushed both to their limits. 

All in all, I still need time to adjust to this incredibly accelerated semester pace while having time for myself. Both at once seem to be too much to ask, even as a birthday wish.

I turned 21 seven days ago. But amidst the hustle and bustle I did not get to digest that. I have brain anatomy and functions to study, an exploratory mixed method study to rush, petty family matters to endure, a student club to run, sexuality talk shows to prepare for, a psychology fair to organize and a student resource platform to put together. I have to commit so much for my own future and the sake of those around me that I got absolutely no time for my present self. 

I asked for many purposes that the world can acknowledge, and now I am on my way to lose everything for that.

Alas, I will have to get some shut-eye now.


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