A Certain Winding Wednesday (and finding selves)

Today was a particularly long day for me considering that there are no classes I am taking today. But I am in a particularly uplifted mood and I have not felt this energetic in a long while. It is like if I could I just want to be everywhere and anywhere.  

The day started off with one class which I really wanted to take as a subject since the very beginning but was too slow to sign up before all the slots are filled. This time it was mainly about revisions, but Dr Eugene has a knack for giving his classes great closure. Woke up really early for this, but it was more than worth it.

Next up is where I have to give a speech for run for Psi Chi’s president or vice. I know, crazy stuff. 

-beginning of rants about how to live life- skip if uninterested

I started being extremely to reluctant to very excited and receptive of the idea, to the point where I actually lost sleep thinking on how to communicate my identity and idea best. I actually have not spoken in public addressing an audience for about three years (convincing others to vote for me is a first too!), so the night before I actually browsed for videos teaching on how to speak in front of an audience and played recorded speeches by a certain dean (I think his spirit sort of possessed me for a minute halfway through my slot). Desperate, no? I just thought I had to do my best considering this is the first time in years I felt the trust others have for me and a rare opportunity is staring right at me. The greatest thing I learned from this process is to not focus on the outcome, but rather on the process, the state of being in the present and truly feeling myself and my words. I can’t really say that the outcome does not matter, but I guess any other position would work for me too. I still have issues with speaking from the diaphragm part, hope that comes with practice as regardless of the outcome, I will be needing that a lot.

Why did I choose to put myself in this? I think that is a fair question, being a leader and face of a salient student body is never quite my thing. The honest answer is I thought I finally found a group of people where my presence is more acknowledged and where my ideas can resonate with everyone’s. I would like to think that the concept of ‘true self’ is bull, and that I am myself at any weight (Wherever you go, there you are). I guess we all have different facets of our own being, and what it matters most is not to find the true one, but to be comfortable with it. I foresee that today, tomorrow, and more tomorrows that will be a constant challenge for me. But it helps for me to realize that we are never that lost to begin with because it redirects my attention to more important things than finding an imaginary cure for an imaginary illness. Things like focusing on the present and trying to live it. I have led my short life with a remarkably long list of regrets, and these regrets always begin from inaction. I don’t imagine myself to be wrong on this account, so yeah, I went for it, all out.

I actually felt much more like a enthusiastic freshman again, waiting to eat all I can, rather than the cynical Year 2 looking at all the things that can possibly go wrong. If anyone from today reads this, thanks for making me feel energized again.

Let’s keep it to here, but I have to say sometimes I impress even myself. I still have issues with portraits!

-end of rants about how to live life-

After that, I joined some others to lunch at a salad bar. Ordered random assortments of things that look healthy (nori, quinoa, orange, potatoes, sweet potatoes, soba, I really understand if I got some brows furrowing) and dressings that do quite the opposite of what they are intended for. Regardless, I was quite happy with my time there, but I would think twice before agreeing to salad bars, especially if the more savory options are too pricey.

Finally, I ended my day with the Psychology of Film class. That was probably the single most content-heavy class I have ever been to, as there are 12 student made films showcased continuously, along with Q and As. That aside, I was genuinely amazed at how every group could meet that expectation of producing and delivering decent quality short films with psychological frameworks behind it (dissonance, learned helplessness, butterfly effect etc), with a certain degree of depth. I didn’t think too much of being in their shoes though-was too busy enjoying them to care. Production is something way beyond my sights in all my versions of foreseeable futures.

Before I end, I am really grateful for everyone that made my day feel alive again.


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