Losses and gains; crime and kindness; happiness and sadness; likes and dislikes. Human relations that interweave and make up the complicated society we know are just cumulations of these polarities.
I was trapped within these nets, and as I struggled I lost some things that made up my core.
I was much too willing to compromise, much too willing to please.
My edge was dulled by my own complacency with small comforts, and over time led to the decay of my optimism and courage. Eventually, my own narrative of life was broken and full of holes.
It was a random yet inevitable encounter that made me recognize my losses and how much I have to lose without my edge. So after many painful hours of reflection, of breaking down and rebuilding, of severing and reconnecting, I felt whole again, and much more on top of that. A bit more sharp, and more unrelenting.
My future remains forever entangled with me in a uncertain certainty. The more I try to know about it the more uncertain it seems. Facing it without my honest edge may make me approach it like a time bomb defuser, where I tread on eggshells and lose everything when I mess up.
So, what if it’s a gift which I just have to reach out unyieldingly to savour?
Changing hypotheses is one of the most intellectually dishonest things one can do, yet the moment I changed my hypotheses about my relations with the world, when I stopped trying to control and manipulate variables and criticizing them for the outcomes, it has never felt like a better place to be despite how inhabitable the landscape looked.