One of my most private revelations about myself is that there have been some gap in my own memories and experiences.
I didn’t go through a real amnesia of course, but there are some things about myself that I forgot to feel and derive meaning, which made me occasionally felt incomplete as a person. I was not able to relate with others as well as I liked: my favorite experiences in pre-school, primary school, high school, and even bits of pre-university. I forgot the reasons behind my favorite foods, books, games, and people. I neglected feeling in tune with my past self due to certain bad events, and perhaps chose to escape from them. I was definitely a much different person before, to the extent that if I ever visited older friends they would not have recognized me. For instance, I was definitely much more sociable, and more in touch with my Chinese language and culture. Nowadays, I am hardly able to relate with these two values as part of my identity.
Had I at one point compromised too much of my self? Or I was merely trying to escape something illusory out of dishonesty?
If I actually traveled back in time to visit my past selves, would we be able to recognize each other?
Now, I want those evidence of my past back for myself, so that I can accept and appreciate my changes and experiences. Not really ‘finding myself’ back, but reconstructing my own narrative of my past.
This one of the reasons why I am working on this blog, to ensure my own psychological continuity as a person so that I have a wealth of experiences and memories to be able to share with others. I am going to salvage as many of them as possible by visiting old friends and acquaintances, along with visiting places I used to hang about, and even recover some of my abandoned blogs.