Sentiments In The Rain (Chinese w/ Translations)

This was a real post written by myself five years ago (December 3rd, 2012), salvaged from my old blog. This was written on the day of my last SPM paper, and my last day as a high school student at Catholic High School. This was a really meaningful piece written when I was really into writing it, not just for the sake of writing. It was also one of the last instances I wrote in Chinese, albeit this is much more casual than my best. 

风雨之声依然萧瑟,而我却已失去了我公交中学学生的身份。

这段时间没什么发文,都是在考统考。我能有什么感想呢?一个平时无甚准备的普通学生总算下定决心为自己努力了。结果所有的考卷,都比在校的考试容易多了,能否考取理想的成绩仍是未知数,但对于我而言,任何收成都应该庆祝的。

今天是最后一张考卷–华语。也许顾虑我这一次是最后一次穿校服到校的关系,我破天荒成为头一个到校的学生。而然,休息不够却让我乌龙百出。。

可以想象吗?当你积极的准备试卷一(作文)的优美字眼,努力练习写应用文,努力进入状态,结果竟入考场后蓦然发现。。。

 

先考试卷二??

 

完了。只能硬着头皮做题了,忍受着周围同学的笑声。考完后,感觉仿佛由外太空回来的宇航员般昏昏沉沉,喝了一瓶汽水才回过神来。接下来的作文题勉强过关,命题作文我选了一个以”容忍“为题材的题目,熬了一个小时,终于写完了最后一篇试卷。

 

在谷中城混数小时过后,我和运一道回家。结果因下雨而混乱之下搭错巴士,下车后雨中跑了400多米才到铁路站。

我们俩从此不再有机会或理由穿的校服,化成了雨中两道白影,被雨撕碎又缝合。

 

滴答、滴答。。。

我此时托着下巴,听着雨声,努力释怀,这段校园生活。

我仿佛又看到课本在自个儿一页页地翻、食堂熟悉的菜香、一条条弧度漂亮的马尾、黑板上的化学方程式、校长在台上发表他鸡肋般的讲说、生物研究室的昆虫标本、在图书馆的文学课、何老师亮得能当镜子的头皮、课室里飞来飞去的粉笔与纸屑、上台领奖的情景、卖弄书法的修士、这几年来在华文学会室发言的诸位主席、我以前的墨画作、在学会室外面那道水泥走廊听风瞌睡的光景。。。

日后,谁会来重新演绎我的回忆?

或者,只有我如此地陶醉在自己的虚空。

 

这些年,我一直告诉自己,中学生涯将永远是定数。而然我现在似乎越来越清醒。。。

“回首向来萧瑟处,归去,也无风雨也无晴”

回忆的碎片流入血液中,分裂。

留下心中的一个窟窿。

“我能像个守护天使般,永远地看护着你们吗?”  只有这么想,才能填补它。

End.

Improvised Translation: 

The sound of rain is bleak. My life as a CHS-ian is over.

I haven’t been writing a lot as I was working on my major finals (SPM). What can I say? I am just this average underprepared kid who just decided to make a difference in his effort not too long ago. Thankfully my school’s standards were way above the government’s papers, such that everything was relatively easy. Naturally this doesn’t automatically turn me into a star student, but hey it is still a plus.

Today is the last paper ever. Chinese. I have a lot of pressure to do well for this. I was known to be good at this. I better be.

Perhaps suddenly aware that I could very well be wearing my high school uniform for the last time, I was suddenly determined to reach school earlier than anyone else. I did that, and the sleep deprivation ended up leading me to a bunch of mishaps.

Well, I was preparing to do Paper 1 (essay) first. I was practicing all the flowery phrases and idioms, practicing the application essay, and the formatting. But the moment I ventured into the exam hall I had a shocking realization that Paper 2 (objective and short answer) was the first paper.

Fuck me.

The paper was tiring, but somehow I had a good feeling about it. I refreshed myself with a bottle of soda (energy drink) and continued to prepare for the Paper 1. I felt like I barely made it as I chose a topic about ‘tolerance’ and wrote as if I have never written before for one hour.

Before I knew it, I finished my last ever examination as a high schooler.

After that, Wyn Yun (a close friend then) and I hung out at Mid Valley (I don’t normally hang out before, let alone Mid Valley as it was one of my less visited malls) for hours. When we headed back home, the rain was causing so much confusion that we boarded the wrong bus home. We found ourselves somewhere near Asia Jaya and had to run a good 400 meters before we got to a LRT station.

I will always remember this. Two schoolboys wearing uniforms for the last time turning into two streaks of shadows in the rain, reflected on the puddles beneath them, as the rain seemed to tear them to pieces and weave them back again.

 

Drip drop, tick tock. 

Right now my chin rested upon my hands as I relive my high school memories, bathed in the moving clock and falling rain.

Textbooks flipping on their own in the breeze.

The familiar aroma of the canteen food wafting by.

Ponytails arching in beautiful curves on the field.

Chalk-white complicated chemical equations on the blackboard.

Uninspiring speeches by the uninspiring (then) new school principal.

Insects specimen in the biology lab.

Rich variety of literature in the library.

Mr Ho’s brilliantly clean shaven head with mirror-like reflective properties.

Flying bits of paper and chalk in the classroom.

My moment of glory on the stage as the last person of my batch to ever get a prize on stage.

One of the reverends showing off his Chinese calligraphy skills at my paintbrush stall during the Chinese New Year Fiesta.

Speeches given by generations of presidents in the Chinese Language Society.

Chinese paintings drawn by me.

And the cozy corridor right beside the Society’s room, where I daydreamed in the breeze.

 

After today, which soul will be reliving these sentiments? I always wonder.

Perhaps, deep inside I always knew that these fragments of sentiments will disperse in my own stream of consciousness and blood.

Perhaps, this feeling of void will always only be mine, marked by this hollowness I am feeling right now in my heart.

Sometimes I imagine myself being this guardian angel, guarding over every being in these memories forever.

Epilogue: I got an A- for Chinese in the SPM.  I have grown more distant from my high school friends. Now I yearn to see them again and talk about all the good and bad. They are all part of us. I have a feeling that I will have to burden being a sentimental man for the rest of my life, but I will gladly wear it like a badge.

ps: The following is probably my single favorite Chinese classical prose of all time by Su Zhe of the Song Dynasty.

“莫听穿林打叶声,何妨吟啸且徐行。竹杖芒鞋轻胜马,谁怕? 一蓑烟雨任平生。
料峭春风吹酒醒,微冷,山头斜照却相迎。回首向来萧瑟处,归去,也无风雨也无晴。”
-苏辙 <定风波>
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